The Nigerian Way (The Naija Factor)

GALLERY

Posted on May 10, 2014

In Nigeria there are three ways of doing things: The right way, the wrong way, and the Nigerian way. The sooner you learn that around this neck of the woods the better! Your particular choice would depend not so much on your nationality but rather whether or not you happen to be resident in Nigeria at the time. Yes, Nigeria has been known to make even the most principled expatriates behave in unorthodox ways. What would YOU do in the following situations?

 How to act when you arrive at a bank and meet a long queue

§  The right way – Get to the back of the queue and fall in line

§  The wrong way – Head to the front, ignoring the queue (and the hisses)

§  The Nigerian way – Persuade the person at the back of the queue to reserve the invisible spot behind him/her while you go take a seat and wait comfortably till your spot moves to the front. When you finally jump back in the queue you have witness who can testify that you actually didn’t jump the queue.

How to act when you’re driving in traffic and you want to enter another lane

§  The right way – Put on your left/right pointer, wait for a free space (though in Nigeria you’d wait forever because motorists don’t give way 90 per cent of the time).

§  The wrong way – Make a sharp entry into the lane of your choice without any prior indication for unsuspecting motorists. Warning: You must at least have third party car insurance to do this.

§  The Nigerian way – Make a puppy face to the adjacent motorist in your desired lane or better yet put your two hands together and rustle them like you’re trying to keep warm. Such gestures usually play on the emotions of the motorists who eventually give way out of pity.

How to act when you are flagged down at a (corrupt) police check point

§  The right way – Slow down to a halt, answer questions then zoom off

§  The wrong way – Zoom off (and risk getting a broken brake light)

§  The Nigerian way – Stop, engage the policeman and then tell some cock and bull story about how you haven’t got cash on you, or you go ahead and slide a couple Naira notes into his hands.

In case you still don’t quite get what it is that makes some Nigerians act the way they do I think the best thing is to pay a visit and spend at least 6 months to a get a first hand experience of what I like to call the Nigerian factor :)

DATING NIGERIAN WOMEN

There are a couple of things a man could find a bit difficult to do in life, like studying Rocket Science or learning to play the piano…like Beethoven. But something far harder that goes beyond Calculus and nimble precision is the art of dating Nigerian girls. Why are they more complex than the average non-Nigerian girl? What makes their brains tick (or get ticked off). What I intend to do next is to unravel this mystery…

<<Road map to dating Nigerian Girls>>

Confirm status >>> Evaluate background >>> Measure happiness level

•  Confirm status

When a man starts to date a Nigerian girl he needs to ascertain what stage she’s at in her life – Is she just coming out of a relationship? Is she ready for a new one? Is she sure of what she wants in the next man in her life? Is she still keeping in ‘close’ contact with her previous boyfriend? All these are pertinent questions which if left unanswered may raise issues in the long run. There is also some preliminary screening you’ll need to perform in order to be sure of what end of the spectrum your would-be Nigerian girlfriend is on;

Changeable       <     <    <    <    <  >    >    >    >    >  Unchangeable

Extroverted        <     <    <    <    <  >    >    >    >    >  Introverted

Thrifty        <     <    <    <    <  >    >    >    >    >   Materialistic

Under 30       <     <    <    <    <  >    >    >    >    >   Over 30

Lo Self-esteem <     <    <    <    <  >    >    >    >    >  Hi Self-esteem

Christian           <     <    <    <    <  >    >    >    >    >  Muslim

Church goer     <     <    <    <    <  >    >    >    >    >  Bible basher

Dates only within tribe  <     <    <    <    <  >    >    >    >    > Dates outside tribe

If a Christian young man plans to date a Muslim girl then he needs to be sure if she’s going to attend church with him or if it’s going to be TAIF! (Thank Allah It’s Friday!). If she’s over 30 and is a city-type of chick then she may just have passed her ‘submissive by’ date. The average Nigerian girl is also materialistic. Very few would stop their men from spending unnecessary amounts of money on them except if they were concerned about saving for the future. Some girls don’t have and want a guy who has. Some other girls have and want a guy who has more.

‘…why give a girl your heart when she’d rather have your purse.’ – Lil Wayne

You also need to know where she’s heading in life – Is she planning to have kids? Is she ready to relocate out of the state or country? Is she open to being a housewife? Is she ready to take a break from her career and spend quality time with the kids when they’re toddlers? Does she see herself cooking for her husband or rather employing a maid to feed him, with the occasional dining in expensive restaurants on the maid’s days off?

• Evaluate background

If the status confirmation stage is successful you might want to note a few things before accessing the ATMs. The next stage could take a while depending on how open or secretive she is or how much access you have to her FTMs (Friends That Matter). Just how important is a Nigerian girl’s background? Very.

Tradition is for most people a source of identity but to others it’s pretty much a curse; especially when certain ideals become accepted by onlookers as the norm. Some Nigerian girls from certain states have been stereotyped as being either very domesticated or stubborn or greedy or open to use of witchcraft or prone to not wanting to spend any of their money (just their partner’s). Some Nigerian tribes frown at marrying outside their own tribe. Some parents of certain tribes believe that when a man marries one of their daughters he would be expected to take up all financial obligations of her family e.g. school fees of her siblings, upkeep of the parents, and occasional soft loans for relatives. Of course when it comes to dating, with no marriage plans in the offing, then tribes tend to date other tribes. Nigerian girls formerly based in the UK or US may or may not want to date a man whose lived and stayed in Nigeria all his life. Some local Nigerian girls have been known to secretly want to fund their trip to the UK or US in order to relocate and start a new life. If that’s your cup of tea then get those VISAs ready.

“Some girls don’t have and want a guy who has. Some other girls have and want a guy who has more.”

You need to ask what principles did she grow up with? What is her definition of Love? Some Nigerian girls are very homely and grown accustomed to cooking and cleaning (for instance) in the family home. This habit tends to permeate into relationships (if the man in question has his own apartment, of course). Some other girls have been used to having a help to take care of all chores so they usually don’t dare do anything close to chores in a man’s flat. It’s not compulsory but it’s a sign of things to come. If she doesn’t ever offer to make you something and always allows you to buy takeaways then you’ll have yourself to blame by the time you’re both ‘happily’ married.

I’m afraid if you like the Westernized Nigerian girls then you’re most likely in for a power tussle in almost any form of decision-making. Such girls see themselves as your equals – you’d probably just see them as stubborn. If you’re not ready for this kind of drama then you’re better off with a girl whose respectful and willing to let you play the role of man; taking charge most (if not all) of the time. Check her attitude towards men generally and compare that to your experience. If there is no difference then make a difference by taking a walk.

<<Standard men Nigerian girls want>>

~The Aristo~

– Usually from a wealthy family and spares no expense

~The Aje Butter~

– Has been outside of Nigeria (UK or US) and is relatively comfortable money wise

~The Accessory~

– He’s great for showing off to her family, friends and maybe a few colleagues and that’s about it #youtwolookgreattogether

~The Maga~

– He’ll worship the ground she walks on and when asked to jump he will attempt to defy gravity until she tells him to come down.

•  Measure happiness level

This is probably the most important stage which must not be overlooked. It’s also the easiest to grapple with; if she is not happy with any aspect of her life up until the moment you’re dating her then what are the odds that she’ll make you happy? Some Nigerian girls are more preoccupied with making other people happy while others are more focused on making only themselves happy. Just make sure she factors your happiness into the equation before you eventually pop the big question – Will you go out with me? Okay, ‘Will you marry me’ is the big question :)

‘…you’re worrying about her and she’s worrying about hers’ – Lil Wayne

Happy dating!

source;thecrazynigerian.com

WHY I ONLY DATE KENYAN GIRLS

I have tried to date women from different cultures and have finally come to the conclusion that our Malawian women are the best. We fit like a hand and glove. We understand each other. We complement one another.

I tried to go out with a Chinese girl once. Her name, Ping Pei Ting, was from the sound made when a sufuria was dropped down the stairs before she was born. That is how Chinese name their kids. Her brother was called Chang Ding Dong because the sufuria was full of white fried rice. Anyway, Ping Pei Ting's ass was so narrow I found myself squinting just to see it. After two months of this, I took a look in the mirror and shock of shocks I had started to look Chinese! No wonder their men squint! They are trying so hard to look at their women's diabs!

I moved onto an akataa. Shaniqua was her name. She introduced me to the ways of African Americans and soon I was smoking weed, drinking 40 ounce liquors, and walking around cursing and wearing a wife beater (aka white vest). She also braided my hair in cornrows on one side, leaving the other side in an afro. I got fired from my job and now I was truly an akataa - jobless, braided, and high. She somehow convinced me that I could become a rapper. "You don't need no white man all up in your grill telling you what to do! Start rappin' nigga! That's gon' be our ticket outta the hood!" I tried to write rap lyrics in my free time and knew it was time to call it quits when she wasn't diggin my first rhyme: "Microfone cheka, Waafrika wanasumbuka, Kioko ana kwashioko, Oloo ana minyoo, Nduta ana shuta ...". That was the end of that relationship.

Next was Heather. She was a white girl that had grown up in Minnesota in a middle-class suburban neighborhood. She was a dare devil that loved the outdoors like many white people do. She introduced me to white-water rafting, paintball, mountain hiking and skiing. This was all new and exciting to me until she suggested we go bungy-jumping. I am terrified of heights and I said "Hell No!" After some cojoling on her part (plus I remembered she had helped me fix up my credit after Shaniqua had ripped it to shreds), I agreed to try it one time. A week later, I found myself dangling upside down in my underwear from a bridge with my legs bound together by the bungy cord. My pants had been torn off when a nail on the bridge hooked onto them as I made the leap of faith. It was time to pack my bags.

I tried to date a Mexican called Mariangeles. She had sneaked across the border into the US so I knew there was no way she was gonna hook me up with makaratasi but I decided to give it a shot anyway. In less than a month I found myself mowing lawns and speaking some basic Spanish with other Mexicans like "Yo quiero taco bell". She had convinced her uncle that I was a strong worker and could help with his landscaping company. Do you know this girl had me eating burritos and taking tequila shots all day with my earnings from the job? On the way from one garden to another on the back of a "Jose Chievo's Greener Grass Landscaping Co" pick-up, I knew it was time to say Hasta La Vista baby.

I tried other African nationalities too. A South African had me singing songs from Sarafina and doing the gumboot dance, a Senegalese had me smelling of fish 24/7 even when I went clubbing, an Egyptian convinced me to sell my cadillac and buy her father a dromedary camel, and a Rwandese gave me the short man syndrome - and I am 6 feet tall!

After this disastrous tour of cultures, I realized I was better off with my Kenyan women.

Source;blackknutz.blogspot.com

BEAUTIFUL WARM HEART OF AFRICA

A picture tells a thousand words. So let these Malawi local snapshots take you on a journey to this amazing destination. These Malawi photos will show you all the highlights and give you some handy ideas for your holiday.

AMAZING…………….CHECKOUT THE WORLD'S FIRST UNDERWATER RESTAURANT

Wow! Imagine dining under water with an amazing view of real sharks ,turtles and all sea animals.. The world's  first underwater sea restaurant at the Conrad Maldives Hotel is built five metres below the surface of the Indian Ocean. Covered with glass, it lets guests enjoy the beauty of the ocean without getting wet. The restaurant is so bright, diners and staff are required to wear sunglasses.

 MAN BREAKS GUINNESS RECORD FOR THE LONGEST TIME SPENT COVERED IN BEES (PHOTOS)

Liangming, of Fengxin County in China, has just broken the record for the most time spent being covered in bees.Mr Liangming’s record of 53 minutes and 34 seconds was witnessed and authorized by a Guinness certification officer.
He said‘I love bees and they love me. Although they call me Bee Beard I am rarely stung by my flying friends.‘As long as you keep still and don't agitate the bees then all will be well. They are most gentle creatures really and extremely clever. They are sensitive to movement so I just keep as still as possible and they like to settle on me.
‘I love bees. They are my life.

ONE OF MALAWI'S GREATEST CARTOONISTS

Vic Kasinja was an amazing cartoonist from Malawi.He used his work to confront the social issues of HIV,prostitution,drug abuse and infedility. Vic Kasinja dropped out of school due to excessive bullying, and was a self-taught artist, working in charcoal. As a graphic designer in 1981 he was discovered by the operator ofThe Daily Times and Malawi News, David Tarttersall; the News began running his feature Joza soon after. In 1997, upon a request from a Daily Times editor, he created the feature Taxina, whose name-as-title lead was a provocatively dressed woman with a highly sexual public persona. Controversial because of the subject matter, Kasinja saw his lead as a symbol for the explosion of free expression as his home country embraced democracy in the mid-1990s.He also published a book of the Joza work and made a cartoon under the direction of the United Nations. Vic Kasinja died in 2007.Some of his work include;